I've had a lot of adversity in my life, but nothing hit me harder and hurt me more than finding out about my husband's affair. The self doubt, hit to your self esteem, and sense of betrayal is very difficult to overcome. It's not impossible though. I've seen many women take an affair and turn it into motivation to do some necessary and important work on themselves, which actually turns a huge negative into a positive.
At this very difficult time, it's so important to be kind to yourself, to love yourself, to realize that this wasn't at all your fault, and to know that you are absolutely enough. In the following article, I'll offer support and tips about loving yourself in the aftermath of your husband's affair.
The Affair Was Not Your Fault: Do Not Take Any Of The Blame Onto Your Own Shoulders: It's so common to look to yourself for reasons that the affair happened. So many women (myself included) are more than willing to share in the blame. We should've seen this coming. We should've given him more attention and affection. We should've made more time. We shouldn't have let ourselves go or put our kids first. The list goes on and on.
Although almost all of us have some small responsibility for leaving our marriages vulnerable, it was ultimately our husband who decided to cheat rather than to work on whatever issues led to this event. This was their choice, not ours. Most times, our husband's cheating has less to do with us than we think. Men cheat in an attempt to fix some short coming within themselves. They want to feel on top again. They want to regain some sense of their youth. They would rather just try to "fix" whatever issue they're facing themselves by taking an action that they think you will never find out about.
So, know that their actions are their own responsibility for which they, not you, should take the blame. I know that it can be very difficult to separate yourself from your husband's affair. But, you must try to do this to begin your healing.
It's All About You Right Now. Concentrate On Yourself And Getting Your Needs Met:It's so important that you are kind to yourself right now. Surround yourself with supportive, non judgmental people. It took me far too long to figure out that "friends" who wanted to get together and gripe about how men can't be trusted and how we are all beaten were not good for me. Neither were folks who wanted to point out what a jerk my husband was. I soon learned that there was only a very small number of people with which I should share things relating to the state of my marriage.
I did much better with journaling (the journal never judged or offered bad advice) and with depending on a few select people who remained neutral and didn't have any hidden agenda or similar issues of their own. In truth, your marriage and issues within it are your own business and no one elses. I used to worry so much about what people would think of me for taking my husband back and loving him despite this. But, no one else was there while my husband loved me through tough issues in my life or was a wonderful father to my children. No one else had the same perception and experiences that were unique to me. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right and healthy for you and not worry about the rest.
You will also need to define and ask for what you need from your husband (and yourself) to heal. Perhaps you need more reassurance, accountability and responsibility from your husband. Maybe you need for him to give you lots of affection and attention. Or, maybe you need your space for a while. He can't read your mind, so you're going to have to define for him exactly what you need and then ask for it.
And, if you need for him to be available to you at most times while you're rebuilding the trust, understand that this is a very valid request that you shouldn't be shy about asking for. Because if you remain silent or just tell yourself that he "should know" what you need, you're going to remain disappointed and stuck. The only way to get what you really need is to define it and then demand it.
Finally, really take this as an opportunity to work on yourself. In truth, I had some self esteem issues long before the affair happened, but the affair intensified them greatly. It soon became apparent to me that I wasn't going to be able to believe that my husband still found me sexy, lovable and attractive, when I doubted this about myself. So, I got to work. I gave myself permission to be a little selfish. I focused on creating an appearance that made ME happy. I went back to school. I built myself up and worked on my confidence so that I knew that my husband was lucky to have me. And, I eventually learned that no matter what happened, I was going to be OK either way.
I saved my marriage because I love my husband, love our family, and love our life. I was not going to let one incident with a low quality individual take away what I had worked very hard to build. This was my individual choice. It was the right one for me. But, because of the work I did on myself, I know that I can handle whatever comes my way and that I would have been just fine had I made another choice.
I know that loving yourself right now and healing is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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About the Author
Katie Lersch
Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair. Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/ (show bio)
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